Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.
Hi. I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hello, you have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
Hi, this is Bob. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Hello, this is Bob. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?
This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
FUNNY QUOTES
Some where deleted (to cruel)
A1. If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the porch!
A2. I See Dumb People.
A4. Jerks Need Lovin' Too!
A7. Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful. Hate Me Because I'm a bitch!
A8. I'll be spontaneous when I get around to it!
A9. So many pedestrians, not enough horse-power
A10. Will Work For Shoes
A11. Secret Agent: This is my disquise
A12. Damn right, I'm good in bed... I can sleep for days!
A13. My Wild Oats Have Turned To Mush
A14. Until you walk a mile in another man's shoes, It's not officially 'stealing.'
A15. I'm donating my body to Science Fiction.
A16. Had This Been An Actual Emergency, I would have screamed, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!"
A18. Please tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes.
A19. I like to get drunk and place bids on Ebay.
A20. Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
A21. My reality check is in the mail
A22. I'm Only 99% Perfect
A23. Roses Are Red, Violets are blue, I'm a raving lunatic, HAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
A24. Does not play well with others.
A25. The most important things in life are me!
A26. The voices in my head keep debating the lyrics to "Hotel California."
A28. My way or the highway!
A31. My Search Engine is making a funny noise.
A34. If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention!
A39. The World DOES Revolve Around Me.
A40. Add to Shopping Cart
A42. Be Glad I'm Not A Twin.
A43. How did I get so cute?
A44. Alpha Male
A45. I'd like to do a backstroke in the pools of your eyes.
A46. The monkey on my back, carries a chip on his shoulder.
A47. Ever notice that 'Cupid' rhymes with 'Stupid'?
A48. Queer Eye For You, Guy!
A49. Bracing myself against the cold shoulder.
A52. I do all my own stunts.
A53. Einstein's Half-Brother, Fred
A54. The Whole World Doesn't Revolve Around You (it revolves around me).
A55. Here I am! What are your other 2 wishes?
A56. I'm still a hot babe!
A58. Ditch the Bitch
A59. Stop The Madness!
A60. My boyfriend is out of town
A61. Save The Drama For Your Mama
A62. I'm my own best friend AND my own worst enemy.
A63. Call me, Gerbil-boy
A64. Bite Me!
A68. If I'm Not Happy, Nobody's Happy
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi! ____________________ *they walk among us and they REPRODUCE!!!
I OWE MY MOTHER!!
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4.My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of SMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12 My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Riddles Highlight between the brackets below each riddle to find the answers. You left a bar. From a hundred yards away, you manage to spot your black sports car, without the aid of moonlight, a street lamp, fire, or any other artificial light. How? [ It was daylight. ] How many bricks does it take to complete a building made of brick? [ only one- the last one. ] Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on earth? [mount everest.] If you were to put a coin into an empty bottle and then insert a cork into the neck, how could you remove the coin without taking out the cork or breaking the bottle? [push the cork into the bottle] A-town and B-town are 10 miles apart. A man rides from A-town to B-town on Friday, stays in B-town two days, and rides back to A-town on Friday. How??? [ Friday is a horse. ] clerk in the butcher shop is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh? [ meat. ] Can a California man legally marry his widow's sister? [ no, he's dead. ] If you were to take two apples from three apples,how many would you have? [ two ] I never was, am always to be,No one ever saw me, nor ever willAnd yet I am the confidence of allTo live and breathe on this terrestrial ball. [ tomorrow ] There is a certain crime, that if it is attempted,is punishable, but if it is committed,is not punishable. [ suicide ] He has married many women,but has never been married. Who is he? [ a priest ] Imagine you are in a steel box without any openings, windows or doors,completely sealed. How do you get out? [ stop imagining. ] The more you take away, the bigger it gets.What is it? [ a hole] A man takes a barrel that weighs 20 kilograms,and then puts something in it.It now weighs less then 20 kilograms.What did he put in the barrel? [ a hole ] The more you take, the more you leave behind. [ footsteps ] When can you add two to eleven and get one as the correct answer? [ on a clock ] What question can you never answer "yes" to? [ are you asleep? ] What is one thing that all wise men,regardless of their religion or politics,agree is between heaven and earth? [ and ] I'm not a bird, but I can fly through the sky.I'm not a river, but I'm full of water. [ cloud ]
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be fraid of a spider.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanti ng to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."! Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
One For The Ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." & they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
“Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death. AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
Feminest? Ya Think?
1. Men are like ....Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you. 2. Men are like ..Bananas...... The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like .....Weather..... Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like ....Blenders... You need one, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like ....Commercials...... You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like .Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off. 8. Men are like ......Government Bonds.... They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like ......Mascara .... They usually run at the first sign of emotion. </
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